That was supposed to be my life

Last weekend my friends invited me and the kids out to Palm Desert to their timeshare. We had a great time playing with the kids and catching up on life. Tears and laughter. On Sunday Ben arrived. Hearing him speak Farsi to Aria, Farangis, and Ariyana, teared at my heart. I could hear Hamid saying those things to Ariyana and Afshin. And they were all so excited to see him. As I watched Ben with the kids I ached inside knowing that Ariyana and Afshin will never have that time with their father. We were supposed to be that happy family.

Later that day we went to the pool. As I watched Ariyana play I looked around seeing all the happy families laughing, playing, lying in the sun. Couples sharing drinks and cooling off in the pool. Mothers and fathers playing with their children. I wanted to yell to them, that this was supposed to be my life, too. Hamid was supposed to be there with me drinking a beer and enjoying the 80s music playing in the background. He was supposed to be the one to take Ariyana down the slide. Family vacations, love...That was supposed to be our life.

It was that realization of being a single parent and that the things Hamid and I had dreamed of and talked about doing together as a family would now be that, a dream. I hate that I won't be able to provide for them the way we had thought. It won't be the life we had thought. But even as I type this I feel guilty all the same. I have so much to be thankful for; so many blessings in my life. I know that we are going to be ok and that we are going to have a good life...it will just be different than the one Hamid and I had imagined.

He knows

He knows.

I often wonder if Hamid can sense how I am doing. I think about that often and wonder if there is a way that he senses if I am struggling andhurting. Just tonight I really tried to send out good energy and thoughts to himso that he would know that I am ok. Even though I cry as I type this I just hopethat maybe somehow he sensed it.

"I have no doubt that Hamid can sense how you feel. His death didn't shatter your connection. Hardly. He knows your heart. You and Hamid have touched something so deep that mere death cannot separate the intertwining of your spirits. I suspect that at times you'll even feel him and know his heart. Perhaps thru dreams, perhaps thru unexplainable events, perhaps thru the feeling of presence in a mystical way. Perhaps you already have." He knows....yes, Chris was right, he really does know and our connection lives on through all time and space.

It is actually the end of November and I realized that I had never finished this post - I had only started the above information and saved it as a draft. Hamid does know. He has sent me signs. For those of you who feel alone without your loved one...yes, it is lonely, it is hard to live without our soulmate, but there are signs for us, signs to help us stay strong, and most importantly to reassure us and let us have peace.

It just hits you

It just hits you. It is sudden and painful.

Last week my dad, my wonderful dad, bought Ariyana a wooden playhouse. She loves it and mom and dad spent so much time getting it just right for her. We were having dinner and dad leaned over and asked her how she liked her playhouse. She said that she loved it and then he asked her, "Do you know why I got it for you?....Because I love you." At those words and watching them both I struggled to keep from crying. That was supposed to be Hamid, her Baba there, telling her that and building her house. Hamid loved to build things and this would have meant so much to him. I turned away and fed Afshin. That hollow feeling is always there.

It has been on my mind that it will be 3 months on Thursday, but I've been ok. Over the weekend, Ariyana, out of the blue asked, "What happened to Baba?" I turned and looked at her not sure how to respond and trying to figure out what she was really asking. I told her that he went to Heaven. She nodded and said, "Baba got sick." My heart ripped. With tears filling my eyes I told her "Yes, Baba got sick, he had cancer. But now he is strong and healthy with God."

Today I was leaving work late - I was tired but again, ok. I checked my messages and then suddenly I heard Hamid's voice, "Hi, baby. Everything went well today. I feel ok - a little pain...Call me." Suddenly, it hit me. He will never call me again. He isn't going to walk through that door, tell me those crazy jokes, or call my name. I listen to this message at least once a week and it usually is a bittersweet moment, but today there seemed to be nothing sweet. Just a longing and deep sorrow. I can't even describe how it feels. When I think of Ariyana and Afshin not having Hamid in their lives it tears at my heart. I know we will all be ok but today it just hit me again today. I miss him so much.

As I showered tonight I thought how if it wasn't for Ariyana and Afshin I would probably just crawl into my bed and not come out...call into work...just stay home and be...but I can't. They need me and I need them. Tomorrow is a different day. I will see what it brings.

Innocent Faith

The innocent faith of a child is heart wrenching and inspirational all at once. There she was holding her phone against her ear and her sweet voice rang out, "Hi, Baba, how are you? I love you. Say hi to God." Then a few moments later after she had me talk to Baba, she said, "I love you. Watch over us. Good bye." My heart swelled and my eyes filled with tears. The innocent faith of a child. The purity of her trust, that her Baba is safe and strong in Heaven with God. I cried that day, that moment, but I was also so proud of Ariyana's love. In her own way she was expressing that she missed Hamid and wanted to talk with him, yet she seemed to know he was ok. I know Hamid somehow felt this surge of love. It is a memory that I will hang on to and find strength in as I try to uphold the simple faith of a child.

I Miss You

Yesterday, Ariyana woke up from her nap in my bed and came over to me with a book in her hand saying, "What's that, Maman?" I looked at the book, it was I miss you, a first look at death. I looked at her and I knew she wanted me to read it to her as she kept pointing to the sad puppy lying next to slippers at the foot of an empty chair. So we climbed into bed and I began to read.

Death is a natural part of this life that we know here. As I read the words the tears came. It talked about life going on...it does, but it is different and so am I. As my voice softened, Ariyiana turned to look at me and ask what was wrong. I told her that I miss Baba so much it makes me sad. She nodded and then we kept reading. It hurts to know that there will be a day when she will understand the meaning in this book and that she and Afshin will grieve their father. I know he is in a better place but he was supposed to have more time with us.

I am putting together videos that we took this past year. As I played one, there was Hamid playing his electric guitar for Ariyana who was toddling around his office back and forth from the printer to his speakers. I sat there mesmerized by the music, knowing that Hamid was so in love with life at that time. His two beautifuls, as he always said, right there with him while he played away on his guitar. I think it was Parham who said that there is a little bit of Hamid's soul in those guitars. It is so true.

Hamid I carry you in my heart. You will always be there. After Ariyana and I finished reading the book, I told her that you were in Heaven but that we always keep your memories here in our hearts. Yes, Hamid, you will always be there. I miss you and just wish that life could have been different for us. I know we will be together again but until then I will carry you here in my heart.

Messages

Today it has been two months yet it feels like an eternity. I found myself anticipating this day and watching the clock...waiting for 11:30 to come. It came and then it passed. I miss him, but I know and believe with all of my heart that he is ok and that he is strong, healthy, and has that smile that always made my heart race. So, tonight I want to talk about connections and messages.

Are there subtle connections between us in this space as we know it, and with the greater universe? Maybe it is in the briefest moment when you suddenly look at the sky and its beauty overwhelms you and you are filled with peace. Or maybe it is more obvious like when we were loading the car for the beach on Labor Day weekend. Everything was packed, Ariyana and Afshin were in, but suddenly, I thought of Hamid's boogy board and brought it along. It was invigorating to be on his board in the ocean, me a 30 something among the 12 year olds. I knew Hamid was watching, smiling, and probably even laughing. Though the pain of missing him was there, I felt a peace settle inside of me.

Are these the messages from our loved ones? Is it through these mysterious connections, connections that we are not even consciously aware of, that we are able to sense messages from our loved ones? Does God know that we need that assurance once in a while to give us strength to go on? Well, here is a big one that I have to share. Mindy is going to join in with comments since this is really her story...

Mindy's friend came to visit with her two teenagers who happened to bring along a ouijaboard. Hoping to scare the kids they lit candles in the treehouse in the woods and then they all climbed up to play. Apparently, they were talking with an old man and asking silly questions. Mindy and Meghan were sitting back watching when they asked the old man if he was speaking for himself to which he replied N O. They asked him who he was speaking for...it spelled out H A M. Mindy looked at Meghan. They asked if he had a message. Y E S. Who is the message for? It spelled H E. What is the message? T R E E. Mindy said the game is over, everyone inside. I started shaking when she told me and tears filled my eyes. Was Hamid really trying to tell me that he was ok and that he is there waiting for me? Meeting at the tree was so important - when he agreed to meet me there I knew that he believed in God. I called Mindy again last night to have her tell me the story again and then I asked her when this happened - she said, "awhile ago, it was August 9th." I couldn't believe it and as she said it she then realized the importance of that day.

I don't believe in ouija boards but maybe the timing was right and this was Hamid's way to let me know that he is ok. I can't tell you how much comfort I have in knowing that Hamid is there at the tree waiting for me. I know life isn't going to be easy without him, but this gives me a boost of strength that I really need. Hamid, if you can sense my love, know that I am alright, I love you, I miss you, I am different without you with me, but we are all ok. We will meet you at the tree.

He's not coming back

I came home tonight and played with the kids while mom fixed dinner. As we set the table, I went over and poured myself a glass of wine. A twinge of pain shot through me as I thought of Hamid. He's not here.

It was a nice evening. After I got Ariyana settled I came downstairs to give Afshin his bottle and Dad came home. He was happy to see Afshin which made me smile but then brought the bittersweet thought that Afshin doesn't have a father that will come home and scoop him up and look into those deep smiling blue eyes. Then Dad went over and kissed mom...Hamid always kissed me when he came through the door - it was the first thing no matter what. Even after Ariyana was born he always kissed me before running off after her. I won't feel that kiss ever again...only in my dreams. It struck me at that moment that Hamid was not going to come back. He is not going to walk through that door with his briefcase and cell phone. He is not going to sit down and drink that glass of wine with me. He is not going to be beside me when I go to sleep.

I was talking to some friends yesterday and we talked about how you go on and you are "ok." but everything is different. I go to work and I love my job and the students, I come home to my parents and Ariyana and Afshin who just brighten my day with their light. I laugh. I smile. But there are so many times that inside I am crying...a heaviness weighs on my heart. There just aren't words to describe how much I miss him. It's so much more than that. Then, last night I heard Eli sing on America's Got Talent. Hamid and I always watched that show and we both saw Eli sing during the try outs a few months ago. As he sang the words, I thought - some of those words speak to me..."And I'm dying inside And nobody knows it but me. Like a clown I put on a show. The pain is real even if nobody knows And I'm crying inside And nobody knows it but me. The nights are lonely, the days are so sad And I just keep thinkin' about The love that we had, And I'm missin' you And nobody knows it but me. I carry a smile when I'm broken in two, I'm tremblin' inside and nobody knows it but me. I lie awake it's a quarter past three I'm screamin' at night as if I thought You'd hear me.. my heart is callin' you...

Somone said that the pain never really goes away, you just learn to live with it and you learn to live without your him. I think it is true. The kids and I will be ok, but there will always be a place in my heart that is only for Hamid. Some days that will be a weight that will pull me down but I know other days it will be a beautiful memory that will lift me up.