Last weekend my friends invited me and the kids out to Palm Desert to their timeshare. We had a great time playing with the kids and catching up on life. Tears and laughter. On Sunday Ben arrived. Hearing him speak Farsi to Aria, Farangis, and Ariyana, teared at my heart. I could hear Hamid saying those things to Ariyana and Afshin. And they were all so excited to see him. As I watched Ben with the kids I ached inside knowing that Ariyana and Afshin will never have that time with their father. We were supposed to be that happy family.
Later that day we went to the pool. As I watched Ariyana play I looked around seeing all the happy families laughing, playing, lying in the sun. Couples sharing drinks and cooling off in the pool. Mothers and fathers playing with their children. I wanted to yell to them, that this was supposed to be my life, too. Hamid was supposed to be there with me drinking a beer and enjoying the 80s music playing in the background. He was supposed to be the one to take Ariyana down the slide. Family vacations, love...That was supposed to be our life.
It was that realization of being a single parent and that the things Hamid and I had dreamed of and talked about doing together as a family would now be that, a dream. I hate that I won't be able to provide for them the way we had thought. It won't be the life we had thought. But even as I type this I feel guilty all the same. I have so much to be thankful for; so many blessings in my life. I know that we are going to be ok and that we are going to have a good life...it will just be different than the one Hamid and I had imagined.
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My dear Heather, you write so beautifully, that I really had to stop myself from crying. When I lost my mom to breast cancer, a good friend told me, time will heal your wounds, I did not think it was possible. But it has been been 3 years and 5 months, and still everytime I remember the pains she went through, I start crying. But that is life, we have no control over it, things happen and we just have to accept it and move on. when I miss mom, I picture her in a white dress looking beautiful, and happy, in heaven with her parents. that picture gives me some comfort and peace of mind. I make an effort to remember her before her illness and chemo and all that. It has helped me to see her smile from up above. Our loved ones live in our heart.
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