It just hits you. It is sudden and painful.
Last week my dad, my wonderful dad, bought Ariyana a wooden playhouse. She loves it and mom and dad spent so much time getting it just right for her. We were having dinner and dad leaned over and asked her how she liked her playhouse. She said that she loved it and then he asked her, "Do you know why I got it for you?....Because I love you." At those words and watching them both I struggled to keep from crying. That was supposed to be Hamid, her Baba there, telling her that and building her house. Hamid loved to build things and this would have meant so much to him. I turned away and fed Afshin. That hollow feeling is always there.
It has been on my mind that it will be 3 months on Thursday, but I've been ok. Over the weekend, Ariyana, out of the blue asked, "What happened to Baba?" I turned and looked at her not sure how to respond and trying to figure out what she was really asking. I told her that he went to Heaven. She nodded and said, "Baba got sick." My heart ripped. With tears filling my eyes I told her "Yes, Baba got sick, he had cancer. But now he is strong and healthy with God."
Today I was leaving work late - I was tired but again, ok. I checked my messages and then suddenly I heard Hamid's voice, "Hi, baby. Everything went well today. I feel ok - a little pain...Call me." Suddenly, it hit me. He will never call me again. He isn't going to walk through that door, tell me those crazy jokes, or call my name. I listen to this message at least once a week and it usually is a bittersweet moment, but today there seemed to be nothing sweet. Just a longing and deep sorrow. I can't even describe how it feels. When I think of Ariyana and Afshin not having Hamid in their lives it tears at my heart. I know we will all be ok but today it just hit me again today. I miss him so much.
As I showered tonight I thought how if it wasn't for Ariyana and Afshin I would probably just crawl into my bed and not come out...call into work...just stay home and be...but I can't. They need me and I need them. Tomorrow is a different day. I will see what it brings.
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Yes it does - just hit you. Sometimes are harder than others, but you are living just as Hamid would want - you are taking the kids out and doing fun stuff that he would do. That is the most you can expect from yourself. But remember - you are entitled to feel happy. It is okay and I hope you cherish each moment of joy Ariyana and Afshin bring you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kris,
ReplyDeleteI do, cherish each moment and know that this is what Hamid wanted me to do. It is just lonely without him. He was taken too soon.
Love you.
I pray for you guys every day. I just wanted you to know. I hope each day a little happiness creeps in when you least expect it and makes you smile. You are are so beautiful and I love seeing your pictures of life with the kids. They may be your rocks right now, picking you up each day--and they don't even know it! Feel the sorrow, but also feel the love surrounding you, too. Prayers and love, dana
ReplyDeleteHeather,
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog while searching other blogs in Corona.
I wanted to tell you that I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope the love Hamid has for you and your beautiful children will heal your heart.
~Deanna
Thank you, Deanna.
ReplyDeleteIt means a lot to read your kind words. Hamid does live on through me and in the children but it is hard. Sometimes I feel so cheated - our time was too short, but the time God did give us was an amazing gift that I will always be grateful for.
thank you.
-heather
Feather,
ReplyDeleteIf it did not "just hit you" every so often, you would not be normal. Hamid and Bayli are laughing together under the Tree, waiting and watching. We went golfing this past weekend and had another butterfly following us around. As always, we know our Bayli (Bayli Wayli Butterfly) is with us, reminding us to enjoy the life we have been blessed with, until the time we are all re-united. Miss him , love him, and cry for him, but always remember the blessing you were given with him in those beautiful children and that Hamid lives through them and their joy....and your joy.