"A wife sits on the bed, gently holding and rocking her newborn. She looks down adoringly at the small child and then lifts her eyes to turn her gaze to her husband sleeping quietly in the next bed. His chest rising and falling in peaceful rhythm for the first time today. I sit in a folding chair between the two beds and I too shift my glances between the precious sleeping baby and his father. And as I do this I’m aware that I’m in some of the most sacred space I’ve ever touched. I’m also aware that I’m immersed in terrible beauty…"
A friend of mine, Chris, who was the chaplain at Sharp, shared this with me yesterday...as I read it I remembered those days, the pain, the hope, the uncertainty...the unwaivering love of husband and wife. Many times I looked to Afshin for strength and to remind me of the gift of life that Hamid and I had been given in the midst of all of this.
I need to share the rest of Chris' writings here as they inspire me and also help me to put my guard down and feel some of the sharp pain of losing the love of my life...the one person whose warmth filled me each night, whose arms protected me, whose laugh brightened my days, whose love filled my heart.
Reflecting on his year, Chris shared, "I’ll never forget that from a 45 year old radiologist with stage 4 terminal cancer and his pregnant wife I learned how the words “for better and for worse, in sickness and in health” are lived out unfailingly amidst a terrible beauty of reality. I learned how cancer really can’t cripple love, invade the soul, or silence courage. I learned that in the midst of winter one can discover in themselves an invincible summer."
It is a time where there are no words. But I sit here and I read this over and over. I cry, I remember, I smile...I miss him so much. They say Hamid is looking down on us and that he is with us, but I want to feel him. I want that touch of his hand and warmth of his body just one more time. What I would give to just see him again, vibrant and strong and have him tell me that we're going to be ok.
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Heather,
ReplyDeleteI admire your ability to be so open and forthcoming. Your words are not only healing for your heart but I feel they speak to me as well, reminding me how wonderful life can be but also how it can take you in unexpected places that one can not imagine. People say be thankful everyday for all that you have, but it doesn't always seem to be as easy as one would think. However, if I can remember a line from your blog, a song that you have shared, a memory of another that touched them so deeply, that lessons won't be lost so quickly. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings as they are true, raw, deep and inspirational. I do hope as time go by that the pain may not always be so sharp each day and that the laughter and memories shine just that much more. I love you. Christine
Heather your words are beautiful. It is OK to feel that sharp pain, don't shut that out. Let the tears flow. That will help you realize that you are strong and will one day feel it less and less without diminishing his memory. Allow your thoughts to feel his arms wrap around you. You will feel him! You will be ok.
ReplyDeleteLove you always.