Here I am

Today it has been one month since my husband died. Each day I ask myself, how can I live without him, without the love of my life. I always know the answer...it is through faith, our two beautiful children, family, friends. And Hamid wanted me to keep living. But it is so hard. I never truly understood what it meant to have a void but I do now. I have always been happy - Hamid loved that about me. He said I always brought him a sense of peace; I was his light. My light still burns strongly for my children, but some of the lights were blown out and will never be rekindled.

So I go on, grounding myself in routine and habits. Ariyana and Afshin also help to ground me. Ariyana is so full of energy and curiosity. Afshin is one big smile that melts your heart....just like his father! I have to figure out to do it all - balance the children, house and full time job. I know millions of women do it and I will do it, too, but it just wasn't supposed to be like this. We had the perfect life, we had everything we could want. That diagnosis turned our world upside down.

I remind myself of how lucky Hamid and I were to have had 13 incredible years and were more in love than ever. Some people don't find true love. I played "the dance" at Hamid's service - it seemed to speak to me - if I hadn't had this pain, I would have missed out on the beauty of loving Hamid, and his love was worth a lifetime. I miss you so much, Hamid.