Letting go of the guilt

I have had people say to me how lucky I am that I have no regrets. Hamid and I did make the most of the time we had together and we lived and we went through it together. We had so many deep talks this past year. Many were ones that you never want to have yet after talking, crying, and holding each other, we always felt better. I still remember the day when the doctor told us that he had carcimetosis. He came to work with me so I could get my bags and then we went home. We told Mara we needed to be alone for a while and we went upstairs together where we just cried, a cry of pain and fear that seemed almost unbearable. We held each other close as if together we could keep time from moving on. But it moved on. After laying there a while, Hamid told me it was time to stop crying and watch a movie. He hugged me again but this time with a smile of courage - I am sure he was just hiding his pain behind it, but he did it for me. So we went on and laughed and loved. We knew we would face this together.

We did so much this past year...quality family time, walking and biking early in the morning, the aqaurium, zoo, trick or treating, traveling to MO and NM...and then when Hamid became really sick we still lived as much as we could...Christmas and New Years at Sharp, Afshin's birth, love notes and secret admirers, dancing to our wedding song, movie nights...and then home. It was so good to be home together....watching movies, playing cards, going outside, playing with ariyana and afshin, tea parties, birthday celebrations, the wii, our convertible trip, picnics, renewing our vows, and more...I was by his side until the end.

But I do, I did..I had one regret. I hadn't told anyone until just a few weeks ago. I told Hamid that I would push his pain button and that I would keep pushing it so that he wouldn't suffer. I promised him. But those last 36 hours were so hard. I increased his pain medicine even higher than the on-call doctor told me to do and I pushed the button and when I fell alseep the nurse continued to push it...but he was so restless...should I have increased it more and earlier? I told him I wouldn't let him suffer. He didn't really talk to me after Monday night. One time on Tuesday he seemed to focus just for a moment when I showed him a picture of his father and Abdul. It was so hard to see him restless and not able to communicate with us. I keep thinking and maybe hoping that neurologically he couldn't have been "aware" at that point...I don't know. I just pray that God released his soul from that body even before he passed. I know Hamid knew I was doing all that I could but it wasn't supposed to be like this. This wasn't supposed to happen to us...we had everything.

So this guilt...I have been holding on to it but after talking to my friend about it and then opening up to a few others I am letting it go. I know if Hamid could, he would wrap his arms around me and tell me that he is alright, that he loves me, and he is waiting for me but that I need to take care of the kids and be happy. And so another day goes by and I cry, but I smile and laugh to. I will never be the same but I will be ok.