I am not sure where to begin tonight. I realize that I have been keeping a lot of feelings inside. I keep busy, my days filled with the kids and work. I go until I finally fall asleep. A sleep with no dreams. I guess it is a safe place as my heart and mind are free of the ache for those hours. But I realize that going like this may make me miss signs.

This past week has been hard. I miss Hamid so much and at times am surprised that it still feels so surreal. It is hard to imagine that I won't feel his arms around me again. I had told Hamid that I felt so safe and secure with him - I always knew he would take care of me. But here I am, without him. Maybe that's why it is so hard for me to be away from home and the kids. If I am gone for too long I feel almost homesick. I have this incessant urge to get home as fast as I can. Yes, to go home where I am safe, where I can see the kids, hear their laughter, and sense Hamid around me.

I have been trying to take more time to just "be." To feel, to listen, and to look for signs that God may be sending to me. Just the other day, I laughed as I listened to Hamid's Rush cd. I could see him jamming with his electric guitar, lost in the music. I knew he was smiling down on me. I skipped ahead through the rest of the songs and then I came across a ballad that talked about letting this moment lasting forever; holding on...I remember our vow renewal and how that day we wanted to hold on to the love in the room as our friends and family, listening to our wedding song, danced with us. That was the last time that Hamid and I danced together.

I know there are more signs for me, to give me strength to go on without Hamid here in this physical world. I just need to make time to open myself to them. Hamid, I love you and I hope that you can sense my love in that beautiful place where you are waiting for me.

Gifts from Ariyana and Afshin

I have really been feeling the heaviness lately. I am still doing ok, but Hamid's loss weighs on my spirit. I still laugh and love each day but I miss those days when I did it with my entire heart; my spirit feeling full and free. But there are still gifts that come - not always the ones that I would really like to have, but they are there and I am grateful for the strength and hope that they give to me. This week, it was in the love and innocence of Ariyana and Afshin.

The past few days Ariyana has mentioned Hamid quite often. It is those random moments when she fleetingly comments, "Chewey is in Heaven with God. Lexy is with Chewey. They're in Heaven with Baba and God." After I confirm it, she is off and on to a new adventure. (sigh) If it only were so easy.

Hamid always told me how loving and caring Ariyana was - and she was barely two! He was right. The other night, I was home alone with the kids. Ariyana was sitting at the table eating her ice cream with sprinkles and I was over in the living room with Afshin. Out of the blue, she said, "Maman, are you sad?" I was surprised and quickly answered no. A few minutes went by and she asked me again, so this time I went over and told her that sometimes I get sad when I miss Baba. She looked at me and said so matter of factly, "Don't worry, I'm here." And of course, I felt the heaviness momentarily ease as Ariyana gave me the beautiful gift of pure and innocent love. I then asked her if she missed Baba. Looking down intently at her ice cream she nodded and said yes. I asked her is she was sad, she quickly responded, "No, because you're here." My heart swelled and I blinked back tears. So young, yet so wise.

On Sunday, Afshin and I stayed home alone since we both had colds. That evening we sat at the table eating dinner. Afshin was enjoying his Pop-pops guacomole when he looked at the ceiling and smiled. He started saying "Baba, Baba, Baba" and waved his hand. I looked around the kitchen. It was just the two of us. I didn't feel like Hamid was there, but I thought, who knows. I smiled and told Afshin how much his Baba loved him and that he was in Heaven watching over him.

I hope one day that Ariyana and Afshin will read this and will feel a connection to their father and know how much strength they gave me each day.

The Man in the Moon by Dana Hernandez

This poem was written by a special friend. It touched my heart and gave me that sense of peace that I had been asking for. I do believe in angels and I know Hamid is watching over all of us.

Heather, Kristin & family,I wrote a poem about Hamid based on a dream that Robert had last night.I was going to post it on my blog, but I wanted Heather to read itfirst. I know this will never be easy, Heather, but it felt so rightand I had to share the dream with you. Rob had such a smile on his facewhen he was talking about it and just said, "It makes so much sense."He has always called our new baby the "Hamid baby," as you know. So, I hope this doesn't leave you feeling worse today, but shines a light on his memory. Your friend, XOXO, dana

The Man in the Moon

My husband woke from a dream last night,he said he saw our friend,Hamid,holding our baby tight.

It was Hamid in a sky of blue,holding our daughter,Riviera,standing there with you. (Heather)You were both together,and he was healthy and free.

He was showing her off in his arms,for the world to see.

He had such a smile,so true and so bright,he had met Riviera,and kept her safe throughout the night.

My husband knew it was Hamid,he was her angel in a way.

Because he made us realize how important our family would be every day.

So, Riviera is waiting in heaven, her birthday will be soon.

But until the miracle happens,they'll be shining together in the Moon.

The Holidays

There is so much to write yet it is hard to know where to begin. Well, I made it through my first Christmas without Hamid here. For some reason, the 24th was actually the hardest day. It may have been the anticipation of the Christmas Eve service, setting out gifts, and then the next day. I felt a heavy weight on me all day. I think of Hamid all of the time from when I wake up until I go to sleep, but this day it was the aching and sense of emptiness that I had to get through.

And I did. I got through it. Actually, church was quite amusing with the band that had singers that make my mom look like a star! And then Ariyana went up to the alter and stuck some of the fake grapes in her mouth so I had to run up and get her. Now, that I think about it, when I was at church was the first time that day that I actually felt better. Funny how that works.

It was so different that morning being there opening gifts with the kids. I sat there thinking, there isn't a gift under the tree for me from Hamid. I know it's not about the gifts - I know that more than ever now, but it was that harsh reality that there will never be one again. Once again, I have the guilt battle. It is a reminder of how we take things for granted when we are with our with our loved one. I think back over our Christmas' together, the fun, the gifts. Some people don't ever have that. The other day as I went through the checkout at the grocery store I really looked at the older woman who was scanning my groceries. She is always so friendly. I noticed that she wasn't wearing a wedding ring. I wonder if she was ever married? Is she a widow like me? Is she lonely? Is she happy? As I pushed my cart out, even with a heavy heart I thanked God that I was going home to my family.

Last night I started putting Hamid's things together for Afshin's Faith Chest. I read the tributes from Chris, Parham, and Mohammad. They were beautiful. As I read each one, I cried knowing the great love that I lost. Yet, I was also proud and felt a sense of hope wash over me. I know that Ariyana and Afshin will be deeply touched by their words and I am so thankful that Hamid followed me out of that hospital 13 years ago and that he chose me to walk beside him. I know he is watching over us and that "knowing" gives me strength...but it is still hard. The New Year is next. Last year, I remember lying across from Hamid in his hospital room. I cried knowing that the incoming year was going to bring me joy and sorrow with the birth of our son and the death of my husband. What will this year bring? I don't know, but what ever it is, I know that God will be there and will guide me and carry me when I need Him.

5 Months

It is 5 months today that Hamid passed. It isn't any easier. Each day is hard and I wish I could wake up and he would be here beside me pulling me close. I try to hang on to the beautiful gifts that I have been given to know that he is alright and that we are still connected, but the pain of him not being here physically is always there.

I have been wanting to write for several days now as it was a year ago on the 6th that Hamid had his surgery, but with me and the kids being sick I find that I am too tired by the time everyone is settled. So, today as I drove to work I was thinking about this and prayed that God would continue to give me strength and send me something to lift me up and help me to get through the day without a heavy heart. It was just 1 1/2 hrs later when I was in a meeting with Liane and Liz (a current student). I thought we were meeting because she was struggling in a class, but then suddenly she gave me a large gift wrapped with a bright red bow. I tore the paper and there we were, me and Hamid smiling brightly - you could almost feel the energy coming from the canvas. It was beautiful. I smiled as I remembered that night. Hamid had cooked a huge Persian dinner for our friends from Cincinnati and had even specially prepared a fish that their nephew had caught. It was a great night full of love, laughter, good food, and friendship. It was just what I had prayed for.

So, I will continue praying and remembering all of the great times we had together.

Thanksgiving Day - Celebrating Hamid

I was excited to celebrate Hamid on Thanksgiving Day. I looked forward to it knowing that me, Ariyana and Afshin were making special time for his memories, his life, his love. After breakfast, Ariyana and I sat down and wrote a note to Hamid. I wrote him a brief message and then asked Ariyana what she wanted me to write to Baba, "I love you so much" was her reply. I added that to the note and then she drew on it. Mom picked up a purple balloon for us - Ariyana told us that purple was her favorite color so I knew that would be best for Hamid.

Prudence and Armoni were visiting so they joined us. I thought we would go to the beach - I have to admit I was a little worried about the kids getting all sandy and then driving in the car and needing a bath at Kristin's house. Well, as it goes, I wasn't quite sure of the directions and wanted to go to a beach that would be somewhat on the way. We ended up in the Long Beach Harbor. It was perfect and so beautiful. We walked along the water with the kids and decided to let Hamid's balloon go up by the lighthouse that overlooked the harbor. We sat together and Ariyana opened with a prayer, "God is good, God is great, let us thank him for our food..." It warmed my heart and I bet there was laughter in the heavens. I prayed for us and that Hamid would feel our love and know that we were alright and that we know he is ok, too. I told him that as we released the balloon, we released any worries...It was hard to pray and find the words though I had been thinking about it so much. Thanksfully, Prudence stepped in and prayed for all of us - it was beautiful. Of course, the funny part is that by this time, Ariyana was ready to move on and was dancing away! We then let the balloon go....well, it just went down the hill and scared some seagulls because we left the clip on! so there we were, all running after it! So on the second try we were successful and watched it go up into the heavens until it disappeared.

It was about 9pm when we were home and the kids were settled. Mom asked me how my day had been, how I really felt...as I started to answer her, I saw something outside of the picture window. It was a bouquet of balloons perfectly centered in the window. There were 4 - two orange, one yellow, and one blue. I knew it was Hamid telling me that he heard our message and that he loves us and is alright. I smiled and said to myself, "I love you and will see you at the tree."

Here is a link to the movie I put together of our celebration.

-heather

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VLtPmz5oC4

Signs

Each night when we go to bed Ariyana and I say our prayers. At the end I say, “God Bless…” and then I let her fill it in. We pray for our friends and family and I always try to say, “and God Bless, Baba. Amen.” As I say my own prayers often drifting to sleep, I add on that God bless Hamid and let him know that we love him and that we miss him, but that we are alright. I don’t know why but I feel that I need to reassure him that we are ok. It was hard for him to leave us – he wanted to provide better for us and I tried to assure him that we would be just fine, but I know it weighed on his heart.

A close friend told me that we all have the potential to experience connections with our loved ones who have passed on. So I have tried to open my mind and heart to the world around me. I try to listen and watch more for signs and they have come. A few weeks ago I was in Ariyana’s room playing with both kids as we got ready for bed. We were laughing and suddenly I had this urge to look up at Ariyana’s butterflies hanging on the ceiling. Both were spinning round and round. Maybe it was from Ariyana’s movement in the room…maybe not. All I know is that I had that urge to look up amidst our laughter and I felt comforted, like Hamid was able to somehow sense our childish joy and was showing that he was there with us. It happened a second time and I felt that same comfort and assurance but there have been other times when I have looked up, searching and hoping to “see” him, but the butterflies just hung there. When I am in Afshin’s room rocking him to sleep I look at Hamid’s blanket hanging on the wall and see his smile. Sitting there, I send him positive thoughts and energy – I tell him of our love and the heartache I have without him, but then I tell him that we are ok and that we love him so very much.

At night as I say my prayers I also tell Hamid that he can visit me in my dreams. Finally, he did on Sunday night. I saw him in a room, standing as he searched through papers. His back was to me and he never turned around. I asked him what he was looking for but he didn’t respond. I then told him that we didn’t lose anything, we have everything and it is ok. It is alright. I remember no longer seeing him, but feeling comfort again. I woke up that morning and smiled knowing that Hamid had visited me. I don’t know what the dream meant…what was he looking for? I don’t know, but I do know that the feelings I had were peaceful.

I believe Hamid is communicating with me and that he is alright. Though I miss him with all of my being, I know that he is with God and that he can sense me and is waiting for me.