Gifts from Ariyana and Afshin

I have really been feeling the heaviness lately. I am still doing ok, but Hamid's loss weighs on my spirit. I still laugh and love each day but I miss those days when I did it with my entire heart; my spirit feeling full and free. But there are still gifts that come - not always the ones that I would really like to have, but they are there and I am grateful for the strength and hope that they give to me. This week, it was in the love and innocence of Ariyana and Afshin.

The past few days Ariyana has mentioned Hamid quite often. It is those random moments when she fleetingly comments, "Chewey is in Heaven with God. Lexy is with Chewey. They're in Heaven with Baba and God." After I confirm it, she is off and on to a new adventure. (sigh) If it only were so easy.

Hamid always told me how loving and caring Ariyana was - and she was barely two! He was right. The other night, I was home alone with the kids. Ariyana was sitting at the table eating her ice cream with sprinkles and I was over in the living room with Afshin. Out of the blue, she said, "Maman, are you sad?" I was surprised and quickly answered no. A few minutes went by and she asked me again, so this time I went over and told her that sometimes I get sad when I miss Baba. She looked at me and said so matter of factly, "Don't worry, I'm here." And of course, I felt the heaviness momentarily ease as Ariyana gave me the beautiful gift of pure and innocent love. I then asked her if she missed Baba. Looking down intently at her ice cream she nodded and said yes. I asked her is she was sad, she quickly responded, "No, because you're here." My heart swelled and I blinked back tears. So young, yet so wise.

On Sunday, Afshin and I stayed home alone since we both had colds. That evening we sat at the table eating dinner. Afshin was enjoying his Pop-pops guacomole when he looked at the ceiling and smiled. He started saying "Baba, Baba, Baba" and waved his hand. I looked around the kitchen. It was just the two of us. I didn't feel like Hamid was there, but I thought, who knows. I smiled and told Afshin how much his Baba loved him and that he was in Heaven watching over him.

I hope one day that Ariyana and Afshin will read this and will feel a connection to their father and know how much strength they gave me each day.