Signs

Each night when we go to bed Ariyana and I say our prayers. At the end I say, “God Bless…” and then I let her fill it in. We pray for our friends and family and I always try to say, “and God Bless, Baba. Amen.” As I say my own prayers often drifting to sleep, I add on that God bless Hamid and let him know that we love him and that we miss him, but that we are alright. I don’t know why but I feel that I need to reassure him that we are ok. It was hard for him to leave us – he wanted to provide better for us and I tried to assure him that we would be just fine, but I know it weighed on his heart.

A close friend told me that we all have the potential to experience connections with our loved ones who have passed on. So I have tried to open my mind and heart to the world around me. I try to listen and watch more for signs and they have come. A few weeks ago I was in Ariyana’s room playing with both kids as we got ready for bed. We were laughing and suddenly I had this urge to look up at Ariyana’s butterflies hanging on the ceiling. Both were spinning round and round. Maybe it was from Ariyana’s movement in the room…maybe not. All I know is that I had that urge to look up amidst our laughter and I felt comforted, like Hamid was able to somehow sense our childish joy and was showing that he was there with us. It happened a second time and I felt that same comfort and assurance but there have been other times when I have looked up, searching and hoping to “see” him, but the butterflies just hung there. When I am in Afshin’s room rocking him to sleep I look at Hamid’s blanket hanging on the wall and see his smile. Sitting there, I send him positive thoughts and energy – I tell him of our love and the heartache I have without him, but then I tell him that we are ok and that we love him so very much.

At night as I say my prayers I also tell Hamid that he can visit me in my dreams. Finally, he did on Sunday night. I saw him in a room, standing as he searched through papers. His back was to me and he never turned around. I asked him what he was looking for but he didn’t respond. I then told him that we didn’t lose anything, we have everything and it is ok. It is alright. I remember no longer seeing him, but feeling comfort again. I woke up that morning and smiled knowing that Hamid had visited me. I don’t know what the dream meant…what was he looking for? I don’t know, but I do know that the feelings I had were peaceful.

I believe Hamid is communicating with me and that he is alright. Though I miss him with all of my being, I know that he is with God and that he can sense me and is waiting for me.