Anticipating

It has been a while since I have written though I have thought of writing often. This month has been hard and full of anxiety and anticipation. It was last year at this time when Hamid got worse, when our hopes were dashed. It was last year at this time when Hamid was at LLMC and finally came home on the weekend on TPN. An exact year ago today, I called Dr. Barone in San Diego and begged him to see us.

This will be our first Thanksgiving without Hamid here. I have wondered and cried, "how do I do this without him? How can I sit at Thanksgiving dinner - a time for family and loved ones to be together, without him? How can I make it through the day without hearing him crack a joke and see which wine of Jeff's he can get in to? How can we not have him there asking to play, 'I'll buy that?" Part of me just wants to run from that day but I know I will get through it. I will be sad, but I will also feel the love of my family around me giving me strength to keep going. And of course, Ariyana & Afshin will bring me joy.

Recenlty, a friend asked me to reflect on what I was going to do for myself on Thanksgiving to help me get through the day and to give myself space to feel whatever the day brings. I decided to take the kids to the ocean - I always feel connected to God there and to Hamid. Somehow, being there is freeing and my heart, though it longs for Hamid, it is filled with a peace. My sister in law then shared an idea of getting a balloon and putting kisses for Hamid on it and releasing it up to the heavens for him. I felt such a lift in my heart as I thought about us doing that. So, on Thursday we are going to go the beach where we will begin our annual tradition of honoring Hamid and giving thanks for our time with him. I will post pictures and share about it later this week. I feel good having a way to connect with Hamid this Thanksgiving. I know it will still be a hard day, but I also know that somehow and someway, he will feel our love and I know that I will feel him, too.