That was supposed to be my life

Last weekend my friends invited me and the kids out to Palm Desert to their timeshare. We had a great time playing with the kids and catching up on life. Tears and laughter. On Sunday Ben arrived. Hearing him speak Farsi to Aria, Farangis, and Ariyana, teared at my heart. I could hear Hamid saying those things to Ariyana and Afshin. And they were all so excited to see him. As I watched Ben with the kids I ached inside knowing that Ariyana and Afshin will never have that time with their father. We were supposed to be that happy family.

Later that day we went to the pool. As I watched Ariyana play I looked around seeing all the happy families laughing, playing, lying in the sun. Couples sharing drinks and cooling off in the pool. Mothers and fathers playing with their children. I wanted to yell to them, that this was supposed to be my life, too. Hamid was supposed to be there with me drinking a beer and enjoying the 80s music playing in the background. He was supposed to be the one to take Ariyana down the slide. Family vacations, love...That was supposed to be our life.

It was that realization of being a single parent and that the things Hamid and I had dreamed of and talked about doing together as a family would now be that, a dream. I hate that I won't be able to provide for them the way we had thought. It won't be the life we had thought. But even as I type this I feel guilty all the same. I have so much to be thankful for; so many blessings in my life. I know that we are going to be ok and that we are going to have a good life...it will just be different than the one Hamid and I had imagined.

He knows

He knows.

I often wonder if Hamid can sense how I am doing. I think about that often and wonder if there is a way that he senses if I am struggling andhurting. Just tonight I really tried to send out good energy and thoughts to himso that he would know that I am ok. Even though I cry as I type this I just hopethat maybe somehow he sensed it.

"I have no doubt that Hamid can sense how you feel. His death didn't shatter your connection. Hardly. He knows your heart. You and Hamid have touched something so deep that mere death cannot separate the intertwining of your spirits. I suspect that at times you'll even feel him and know his heart. Perhaps thru dreams, perhaps thru unexplainable events, perhaps thru the feeling of presence in a mystical way. Perhaps you already have." He knows....yes, Chris was right, he really does know and our connection lives on through all time and space.

It is actually the end of November and I realized that I had never finished this post - I had only started the above information and saved it as a draft. Hamid does know. He has sent me signs. For those of you who feel alone without your loved one...yes, it is lonely, it is hard to live without our soulmate, but there are signs for us, signs to help us stay strong, and most importantly to reassure us and let us have peace.

It just hits you

It just hits you. It is sudden and painful.

Last week my dad, my wonderful dad, bought Ariyana a wooden playhouse. She loves it and mom and dad spent so much time getting it just right for her. We were having dinner and dad leaned over and asked her how she liked her playhouse. She said that she loved it and then he asked her, "Do you know why I got it for you?....Because I love you." At those words and watching them both I struggled to keep from crying. That was supposed to be Hamid, her Baba there, telling her that and building her house. Hamid loved to build things and this would have meant so much to him. I turned away and fed Afshin. That hollow feeling is always there.

It has been on my mind that it will be 3 months on Thursday, but I've been ok. Over the weekend, Ariyana, out of the blue asked, "What happened to Baba?" I turned and looked at her not sure how to respond and trying to figure out what she was really asking. I told her that he went to Heaven. She nodded and said, "Baba got sick." My heart ripped. With tears filling my eyes I told her "Yes, Baba got sick, he had cancer. But now he is strong and healthy with God."

Today I was leaving work late - I was tired but again, ok. I checked my messages and then suddenly I heard Hamid's voice, "Hi, baby. Everything went well today. I feel ok - a little pain...Call me." Suddenly, it hit me. He will never call me again. He isn't going to walk through that door, tell me those crazy jokes, or call my name. I listen to this message at least once a week and it usually is a bittersweet moment, but today there seemed to be nothing sweet. Just a longing and deep sorrow. I can't even describe how it feels. When I think of Ariyana and Afshin not having Hamid in their lives it tears at my heart. I know we will all be ok but today it just hit me again today. I miss him so much.

As I showered tonight I thought how if it wasn't for Ariyana and Afshin I would probably just crawl into my bed and not come out...call into work...just stay home and be...but I can't. They need me and I need them. Tomorrow is a different day. I will see what it brings.