A hard week

It has been a hard week. Not as hard as I thought but still hard. Hamid fills my mind nearly every moment. Everything reminds me of him, of his laughter, of his body, of his love for me. I see the ocean and its immensity and wish I could just feel him or see him one more time.

I just finished the book, “Embraced by the Light.” It had some interesting concepts, some new, but many I had heard before. It talked about how in this life we are supposed to experience things that help us to grow spirituality. That is our purpose here on this earth. We make our own choices yet there are some things that are set in place by God. I believe I was chosen to be with Hamid, to love him, to learn from him as he accepted his diagnosis of cancer and so bravely loved me, ariyana, and afshin. When I think about how he faced the last year of his life, I am filled with admiration. I don’t know that I could do it so bravely, so selflessly. He loved me more that past year than ever before. Even when he had pain he would tell me how much he loved me and would find a way to smile and laugh at ariyana and afshin.

I remember Hamid was so excited to cook a dinner for me…he hadn’t been able to eat in over 5 months, yet he wanted to make a dish he had seen on the Food Channel. So while I was at work, he had my dad drive him across the street to the grocery store. He even got to ride one of the carts around but it ran out of gas in the middle of the parking lot so they quickly drove off and left it! For those of us who knew him, it was always an adventure with Hamid. That night we cooked dinner together. He would get weak so I had a chair for him to sit at and then he would tell me what to chop and mix and then he put the final piece together. We all sat around our dining room table with him at the head and we ate a wonderful dinner that he had prepared for us. Hamid watched and even though he couldn’t enjoy the food you could see that he was basking in our love for him.

I think God wanted me to stand by his side and help him through this experience. We talked a lot about our life together, and mine and the kid’s life without him. Those are hard conversations. Conversations that we were too young to have. But together, we faced what was ahead of us. We talked about the Tree. I believe that night Hamid made his commitment to God. And then on July 1st, 2008 when he decided to stop his treatment he was scared yet relieved to have the power to move on from this world of pain. I know it was hard for him to leave us…maybe that is why those last 36 hours were so difficult. I wonder if he saw us there, gathered around him and heard me telling him that it was alright for him to leave. Did he want to reach out for me just one last time? Did he want to comfort me and tell me that the light was so warm and loving? Did he want to tell me that we would all be alright?

God is there waiting to help us when we ask, but only when we ask. I think about the past months and when I have asked God from my heart He has answered. The message from Hamid, the balloon, the way Ariyana’s one butterfly sways above us when the others aren’t, the peace that suddenly descend on me, the touching and sometimes profound words of Ariyana, and then the song “It’s a wonderful world” playing after I prayed. I truly believe that all of these are His way of letting me know that Hamid is there giving me strength. It does help me but yet I have this hollowness inside that was never there before. It is a place that was only for Hamid. I am going to be alright and I will try to think about what I was supposed to learn from this experience and how it will make me, Ariyana, and Afshin stronger.

It's still big

It's still big. The grief, the loss, the ache of living life without Hamid; it is still so big. Just now as I was opening my blog, sitting here in the living room with the candles lit while everyone sleeps, listening to classical music; the song that I walked down the aisle came on. It is playing right now. I remember how Hamid would laugh as after we were engaged and I heard this song I would start pretending to walk down the aisle. As I watched his face we would both break out in laughter anxious for that day to arrive. I guess that is all that I have to hang on to; those memories, those stories of a great love.

This is my first day of my "morning me time." I am going to try to do it each Friday morning so that I have time to write and reflect on this journey. It has been a hard few weeks. Of course, they are always filled with laughter and love with my friends, family, and most importantly, Ariyana and Afshin, but the pain is still there, and it is big. I have been pushing it aside focusing on work, home, and taking care of the kids. But it is there; an almost unbearable pain.

Somehow I find myself running into widows where ever I go. I went to get my haircut a few weeks ago and was told that my hairdresser was no longer there. Disappointed, I had a new person cut my hair. We started talking and she asked about my family. I breezed over a question about my husband, and then it came up again. I told her he died 7 months ago. She stopped cutting my hair and shared that her husband had died when she was 21 and had a 3 y.o son. I started crying as I listened to her story. I told her a little about mine, but mostly just listened and was thankful for the time that Hamid and I had to prepare and to say good-bye. As I left the salon that evening we hugged and each of us felt that we had met for a reason.

Then I had to go to Mailboxes to have a mortgage paper notarized. I took Hamid's death certificate since he is still listed on the paperwork. As the woman was taking down the information I said that I was the only one signing the papers. She said, "He has to be here for me to notarize his signature." I slid the death certificate towards her and told her that he was dead. At that point she stopped and looked at me and said she was sorry. She asked if we had children so I told her about Ariyana and Afshin. She then shared that her husband was killed by a drunk driver when her son was 3 y.o. I asked her how her son was doing. She said that he was very good and that he loved hearing the stories about his dad since he had been too little to remember him. That sentencecut through me like a knife. I quickly put on my sunglasses, thanked her, and left.

I think that is one of the hardest and most painful things for me to accept. Ariyana likely will not remember all of the love that Hamid had for her. She won't remember how he called her Joujay and how he loved to pick her up and kiss her all over. How she had him wrapped around her finger from the moment she arrived. I know I will give her those memories through the stories and the pictures, but it just hurts so much. And Afshin. That is all that he will have is just the stories I can tell him. It just doesn't seem fair that they didn't have a chance to know Hamid. Just writing about it now is painful and I can't even express all of my emotions. I will do my best though to help them to remember their father and to really know him. He was an amazing man.

I am not sure where to begin tonight. I realize that I have been keeping a lot of feelings inside. I keep busy, my days filled with the kids and work. I go until I finally fall asleep. A sleep with no dreams. I guess it is a safe place as my heart and mind are free of the ache for those hours. But I realize that going like this may make me miss signs.

This past week has been hard. I miss Hamid so much and at times am surprised that it still feels so surreal. It is hard to imagine that I won't feel his arms around me again. I had told Hamid that I felt so safe and secure with him - I always knew he would take care of me. But here I am, without him. Maybe that's why it is so hard for me to be away from home and the kids. If I am gone for too long I feel almost homesick. I have this incessant urge to get home as fast as I can. Yes, to go home where I am safe, where I can see the kids, hear their laughter, and sense Hamid around me.

I have been trying to take more time to just "be." To feel, to listen, and to look for signs that God may be sending to me. Just the other day, I laughed as I listened to Hamid's Rush cd. I could see him jamming with his electric guitar, lost in the music. I knew he was smiling down on me. I skipped ahead through the rest of the songs and then I came across a ballad that talked about letting this moment lasting forever; holding on...I remember our vow renewal and how that day we wanted to hold on to the love in the room as our friends and family, listening to our wedding song, danced with us. That was the last time that Hamid and I danced together.

I know there are more signs for me, to give me strength to go on without Hamid here in this physical world. I just need to make time to open myself to them. Hamid, I love you and I hope that you can sense my love in that beautiful place where you are waiting for me.

Gifts from Ariyana and Afshin

I have really been feeling the heaviness lately. I am still doing ok, but Hamid's loss weighs on my spirit. I still laugh and love each day but I miss those days when I did it with my entire heart; my spirit feeling full and free. But there are still gifts that come - not always the ones that I would really like to have, but they are there and I am grateful for the strength and hope that they give to me. This week, it was in the love and innocence of Ariyana and Afshin.

The past few days Ariyana has mentioned Hamid quite often. It is those random moments when she fleetingly comments, "Chewey is in Heaven with God. Lexy is with Chewey. They're in Heaven with Baba and God." After I confirm it, she is off and on to a new adventure. (sigh) If it only were so easy.

Hamid always told me how loving and caring Ariyana was - and she was barely two! He was right. The other night, I was home alone with the kids. Ariyana was sitting at the table eating her ice cream with sprinkles and I was over in the living room with Afshin. Out of the blue, she said, "Maman, are you sad?" I was surprised and quickly answered no. A few minutes went by and she asked me again, so this time I went over and told her that sometimes I get sad when I miss Baba. She looked at me and said so matter of factly, "Don't worry, I'm here." And of course, I felt the heaviness momentarily ease as Ariyana gave me the beautiful gift of pure and innocent love. I then asked her if she missed Baba. Looking down intently at her ice cream she nodded and said yes. I asked her is she was sad, she quickly responded, "No, because you're here." My heart swelled and I blinked back tears. So young, yet so wise.

On Sunday, Afshin and I stayed home alone since we both had colds. That evening we sat at the table eating dinner. Afshin was enjoying his Pop-pops guacomole when he looked at the ceiling and smiled. He started saying "Baba, Baba, Baba" and waved his hand. I looked around the kitchen. It was just the two of us. I didn't feel like Hamid was there, but I thought, who knows. I smiled and told Afshin how much his Baba loved him and that he was in Heaven watching over him.

I hope one day that Ariyana and Afshin will read this and will feel a connection to their father and know how much strength they gave me each day.

The Man in the Moon by Dana Hernandez

This poem was written by a special friend. It touched my heart and gave me that sense of peace that I had been asking for. I do believe in angels and I know Hamid is watching over all of us.

Heather, Kristin & family,I wrote a poem about Hamid based on a dream that Robert had last night.I was going to post it on my blog, but I wanted Heather to read itfirst. I know this will never be easy, Heather, but it felt so rightand I had to share the dream with you. Rob had such a smile on his facewhen he was talking about it and just said, "It makes so much sense."He has always called our new baby the "Hamid baby," as you know. So, I hope this doesn't leave you feeling worse today, but shines a light on his memory. Your friend, XOXO, dana

The Man in the Moon

My husband woke from a dream last night,he said he saw our friend,Hamid,holding our baby tight.

It was Hamid in a sky of blue,holding our daughter,Riviera,standing there with you. (Heather)You were both together,and he was healthy and free.

He was showing her off in his arms,for the world to see.

He had such a smile,so true and so bright,he had met Riviera,and kept her safe throughout the night.

My husband knew it was Hamid,he was her angel in a way.

Because he made us realize how important our family would be every day.

So, Riviera is waiting in heaven, her birthday will be soon.

But until the miracle happens,they'll be shining together in the Moon.

The Holidays

There is so much to write yet it is hard to know where to begin. Well, I made it through my first Christmas without Hamid here. For some reason, the 24th was actually the hardest day. It may have been the anticipation of the Christmas Eve service, setting out gifts, and then the next day. I felt a heavy weight on me all day. I think of Hamid all of the time from when I wake up until I go to sleep, but this day it was the aching and sense of emptiness that I had to get through.

And I did. I got through it. Actually, church was quite amusing with the band that had singers that make my mom look like a star! And then Ariyana went up to the alter and stuck some of the fake grapes in her mouth so I had to run up and get her. Now, that I think about it, when I was at church was the first time that day that I actually felt better. Funny how that works.

It was so different that morning being there opening gifts with the kids. I sat there thinking, there isn't a gift under the tree for me from Hamid. I know it's not about the gifts - I know that more than ever now, but it was that harsh reality that there will never be one again. Once again, I have the guilt battle. It is a reminder of how we take things for granted when we are with our with our loved one. I think back over our Christmas' together, the fun, the gifts. Some people don't ever have that. The other day as I went through the checkout at the grocery store I really looked at the older woman who was scanning my groceries. She is always so friendly. I noticed that she wasn't wearing a wedding ring. I wonder if she was ever married? Is she a widow like me? Is she lonely? Is she happy? As I pushed my cart out, even with a heavy heart I thanked God that I was going home to my family.

Last night I started putting Hamid's things together for Afshin's Faith Chest. I read the tributes from Chris, Parham, and Mohammad. They were beautiful. As I read each one, I cried knowing the great love that I lost. Yet, I was also proud and felt a sense of hope wash over me. I know that Ariyana and Afshin will be deeply touched by their words and I am so thankful that Hamid followed me out of that hospital 13 years ago and that he chose me to walk beside him. I know he is watching over us and that "knowing" gives me strength...but it is still hard. The New Year is next. Last year, I remember lying across from Hamid in his hospital room. I cried knowing that the incoming year was going to bring me joy and sorrow with the birth of our son and the death of my husband. What will this year bring? I don't know, but what ever it is, I know that God will be there and will guide me and carry me when I need Him.

5 Months

It is 5 months today that Hamid passed. It isn't any easier. Each day is hard and I wish I could wake up and he would be here beside me pulling me close. I try to hang on to the beautiful gifts that I have been given to know that he is alright and that we are still connected, but the pain of him not being here physically is always there.

I have been wanting to write for several days now as it was a year ago on the 6th that Hamid had his surgery, but with me and the kids being sick I find that I am too tired by the time everyone is settled. So, today as I drove to work I was thinking about this and prayed that God would continue to give me strength and send me something to lift me up and help me to get through the day without a heavy heart. It was just 1 1/2 hrs later when I was in a meeting with Liane and Liz (a current student). I thought we were meeting because she was struggling in a class, but then suddenly she gave me a large gift wrapped with a bright red bow. I tore the paper and there we were, me and Hamid smiling brightly - you could almost feel the energy coming from the canvas. It was beautiful. I smiled as I remembered that night. Hamid had cooked a huge Persian dinner for our friends from Cincinnati and had even specially prepared a fish that their nephew had caught. It was a great night full of love, laughter, good food, and friendship. It was just what I had prayed for.

So, I will continue praying and remembering all of the great times we had together.