I watched a woman say good-bye...

I watched a woman say good-bye to her husband. It was quiet as the music played and they walked down the aisle. I wonder if she felt all of our eyes on her? She looked so elegant yet there was a sense of fragility surrounding her as she walked toward the casket and took her seat in the pew with her two children. As the service started I couldn't help but watch her. She was dressed in black, dark sunglasses hid her eyes that had cried many tears; she was stoic yet heartbroken. It all came back so clearly.

I was standing next to Hamid where he lay in the casket at the front of the chapel. I had felt alone. I shouldn't have been alone. He was leaving much too soon. I could imagine me there with white hair, Ariyana and Afshin beside me, giving me strength as they looked at their own loved ones. But to be there alone, knowing that Ariyana and Afshin didn't understand all that had happened...it wasn't supposed to be like that.

My heart ached for her and what she has to go through. No one can really help her; she has to do it herself. She has to find her own way. I remember being there will all of those feelings and questions, and then letting the numbness wash over me, protecting me from that unbearable pain. I remember facing that pain and crying at the realization of life and that I had to go on without him. I hope and pray that she finds strength in her children as I did in Ariyana and Afshin.

There was music and speakers. Someone shared an email from a friend who talked about this as being a time that another woman would wake in the night and reach for her husband only to find an empty space. That moment is an opportunity to call to God. In the midnight hours when she cries filled with pain and fear, it too, is an opportunity to reach out to God. It is so hard to understand why things happen and how we will ever be complete again. Days without your loved one feel like years. There are so many ups and downs on the journey and there is no one way to get through it.

Just the other day I talked to another friend whose huband died one year ago. She said she is doing alright and as she looks back on the year she doesn't know how she made it. I told her it was God. She misses her husband but has found a way to start lving again; to have hope. It reminded me of something I read tonight about how hard life is when we lose someone too soon.

It is life that surrounds me. Life. Life that is meant to be lived, its riches to be extracted. No the Lord's promise is not for those who give up, but for those who forge ahead...

-Leonora Wood

I send a prayer out tonight for those who have lost loved ones much too soon. May they find peace and the gift to love and live again.

A few months ago at church, Desiree took my hand and told me that she wanted to get baptized again and wanted me to join her. I was touched but I wasn't sure. It had been such a hard two years. It stuck in my mind and then a few weeks ago, she brought it up again and taking my hand, she said it was a new year, a new start for us, a new commitment to God. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about her words. I learned so much these past two years and I have grown in my faith. Every experience became part of this unshakable belief that God is there watching over us and that He has a plan that is so much bigger than we can understand. So, this is my testimony that I want to share with you as I re-commit my life to God this Sunday.

My parents gave me a strong Christian foundation. As kids, I remember we sat around the kitchen table taking turns reading the Upper Room during breakfast. It gave us a few quiet minutes in the busy rush of school mornings. There was youth group, church camp, and memories of my mom tucking us into bed and saying our prayers. These experiences were a foundation for me as I grew up, went off to college, traveled and experienced life. The strength of my faith ebbed and flowed during the years, but it was always there; a constant glow in my life. But I had no understanding of how important my faith would be one day.

That day was June 15, 2007 when my husband, Hamid, was lying in the hospital on a ventilator, swollen from extensive emergency surgery, and receiving multiple blood transfusions. They told me that it might be cancer and that they had removed 2/3s of his stomach. I had waited 10 years to marry Hamid, and our 2 years of marriage had been wonderful. And there I was, wondering if he was going to live. I was 8 weeks pregnant with Afshin, and Ariyana was just 14 months old.

I turned to God and was blessed with the people He surrounded us with. Hamid did come home, and we had a new perspective on life. We enjoyed every moment, and our relationship grew even stronger as we faced the realization that he was going to die within months. We had many beautiful moments that year, but many heartbreaking ones as well. On December 6, 2007 Hamid had surgery in San Diego to try to alleviate a bowel obstruction. Due to complications he was in the hospital for 3 ½ months. During that time he had several close calls with death but he somehow always pulled through. I think God was giving Hamid time to finish things and come home to Him.

From December through April, I left my children with my parents and stayed by his side. As I look back on that time I don’t know how I survived. It broke my heart to watch mom and dad drive away with the kids as I waved good bye and slowly walked back into the hospital trying to keep up a strong front for Hamid. I was so torn. I was supposed to be home caring for Afshin and watching Ariyana hold her little brother, but I also knew I belonged by Hamid’s side. He needed me there. At times I could feel the Hamid I knew and loved slipping away with the pain, the tubes, and the gray walls of the hospital room. Eating dinner in the cafeteria for nearly 3 months, I saw many families come and go. I envied them. I often cried myself to sleep listening to the buzz of the IVs, the ding of Hamid’s pain pump, and the soft chatter from the nurses station. Somehow, I always found a way to smile the next morning as I walked over to Hamid’s bed, ready to face the day. I think about the poem, Footprints in the Sand by Carolyn Joyce Carty. My mom loved this poem and I even memorized it for school when I was young. I know these words are true…"My precious, precious child. I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering when you saw only one set of footprints...That was when I carried you.” I know that God carried me during that time; I could not have endured that alone.

In April, Hamid came home on hospice. He believed in God and recognized Jesus as a great man. He actually liked to talk about religion and beliefs but he wasn’t a Christian. Hamid came to church with me occasionally and we prayed during meals. After his diagnosis he tried to come to church more, but it was hard as the cancer progressed. I struggled with where he was in his beliefs. Would he go to meet God? One day my friend Mara asked Hamid if she could read the Bible to him as she prayed and anointed him with oil. He let her do it and the experience really touched him. Later I told Hamid about the stories I had read about the tree of life in Heaven. I asked him if he would meet me there. Crying, he promised to meet me there. Hamid died on July 9, 2008. I lay beside him, with my hand on his chest, and felt his heart beat for the last time. My entire being ached for him and for our children who didn’t get the chance to really know what an incredible man he was. But I also knew Hamid had moved on to a much better place, a place where I will meet him one day. I miss Hamid everyday but have been blessed with signs and gifts that reaffirm God’s presence and plan for my life. So, with this baptism I start a new day, and I recommit my life to God and will continue to trust in Him.

A moment

It was one of those beautiful Sunday evenings in California. The park was filled with people. I heard laughing and kids yelling as they played in the water and others slid down the slide. We were off to the side where it was a little quieter. I sat in the grass enjoying its coolness against the heat of the day. I looked out over the park and smiled as I watched Ariyana run with our friend. I could hear her shrieks of laughter as they raced. Afshin was further behind them trying to catch up. I could hear him yelling to them. They were both so happy. You could see it in their faces and hear it in their laughter. I looked to the sky as a wave of sorrow washed over me. Hamid, you were supposed to be here, you were supposed to be the one playing with the kids. You would have loved this day. I think in some way maybe you were there with us and could feel the love, the joy, the freedom from my pain. But that is all that we will have; the memories those special moments when there is a magical connection to that world that is beyond our understanding.

I looked back at them, watching them all run towards me. I felt myself smile and the sorrow slipped away and was replaced with feelings of blessings. Life is different now. It will always be different but God continues to watch over us and I am grateful for these gifts that He brings to me.

One year ago

One year ago today was my husband’s funeral. My friends and family were there to support me through this day and join me in celebrating Hamid’s life. My girlfriends all slept in my bedroom. It felt so good to walk into my room and see it full of sleeping bags and pillows. But no amount of support could really settle me that morning. For some reason I wanted to look my best and be beautiful for Hamid, but of course, that meant a bad hair day and my make-up just didn’t seem right. I should have gotten up earlier to get ready…it wouldn’t have mattered. No amount of time would have made me really feel ready to say good-bye to him.

I don’t remember a lot of that morning…I remember Cheryl coming in and telling me that I looked beautiful and giving me a big hug. And the family picture. I really didn’t want to be in a family picture. The rationale was that all of the kids were finally together but I just didn’t want to be in a family picture without Hamid who had become my family. But somehow I stood there and smiled while inside my heart ached.

I can’t remember who took the kids to the church…I just know that they were alright and that I didn’t have to worry – they would be having fun and feeling loved while I said good-bye to their father again. Mom, Dad, and Brian drove me to the church – Brian was so protective. We walked in and Hamid’s family was there to meet us. Mr. Walker were so kind and supportive as they escorted me to the casket. I remember Greg gently preparing me for what I would see – Hamid was so thin and the cancer had ravaged him so much that it was hard for them to position him. When I looked at down at Hamid my heart seemed to stop. It was so hard to see him like this. I felt an anger rise within me – why couldn’t they make him look better. He was so handsome and full of life. But it wasn’t their fault, it was the cancer. I closed my eyes and said a prayer as I tightly held the letter I had written to Hamid. I can’t remember when I read it to him. Was it before the service or was it at the end, just before they closed the casket? I think that’s when I read it. I put it beside him and we took off his glasses so that I could keep them. And the casket was closed.

This morning after about an hour of feeling tired and grumpy I was wondering why I was feeling like this – I actually slept about 7 hours so I should feel good. And then I remembered what day it was. I thought about the funeral on and off throughout the day. I made a Persian dish as Hamid always cooked a Persian dinner for us on Sundays. Then tonight when I was picking up downstairs, I saw that Ariyana and Afshin had mixed a few books into their toy bins. I turned one of the books over and there it was, “I miss you: A book about death.” I thought about the coincidence and gave a half-hearted smile as I carried the books upstairs and put them with the other books in the basket in my room. I helped Ariyana and Afshin brush their teeth and then we climbed into bed. As usual, Ariyana picked out two books. She picked out the I Miss You book. And so we read it together, all lying in bed, snuggled against each other. I read and talked about Hamid. But when I came to the part about it being hard to say goodbye to someone you love I started crying. Ariyana looked at me with her big eyes and asked, “Maman, are you sad? Are you sad just a little or a lot?” Smiling, I told her that sometimes I am sad a lot. She quickly replied, “Don’t worry, I’m here.” Then she asked me if I wanted a tissue so that I could wipe my eyes. She quickly climbed out of bed and came back with a tissue. She touched my face and held my hand while Afshin layed there on my arm. I am so thankful for them – they are my two angels who give me strength every day. We talked a little and at one point Ariyana told me that I can’t go to heaven because it’s not my turn yet; I can’t leave her alone. I had told her this before when we talked about Hamid being gone. I told her that God wants me to stay here to take care of her and Afshin. It broke my heart. I kissed them both and told them that I loved them.

Seeing the Small Signs

Tonight, I am thankful for the small signs that we find. My friend, Mindy ran into a woman who drove a green jeep at the Springstein concert last weekend. As she tried to scalp a ticket, the woman passed by and told her not to worry, that a man in a blue shirt was going to sell her a great ticket. A little bit later it happened, and it was a good seat. I called Mindy just a little bit later as she tailgated alone at the back of her Mini Cooper in the parking lot. We talked for a few minutes, both never imaging ourselves facing what life had given us; struggling to figure out how to live without our loves. After Mindy hung up, a woman, the same woman who had told her about the tickets, yelled from another aisle of cars where more people were tailgating, "You will both be happy again."

I felt that sense of peace wash over me as I was reminded that there are angels among us and that we are not alone. How did she know? After that happended, Mindy walked over and talked to the woman. The woman told her that she was psychic. She shared a few more things with Mindy all of which were quite amazing...I guess time will tell. But it was a sign for me, too. This week I prayed, asking God to send me another sign. Maybe this was it. Mindy carried that first sign about nine months ago...and now another one. Yesterday, Mindy was going through boxes, trying to pack things up when she came across a card that Hamid and I had sent her when her cat, Artichoke died. I had forgotten all about that, but she shared how I had just signed the card (she gave me credit for buying it and paying for the stamp!), but Hamid had taken a minute to write that he understood as his cat was seven years old. He had been talking about Chewey. He loved Chewey so much. And she found a Christmas card that we had both signed. These may seem like such small things, but it fills my heart to know that we, Hamid and I, brought Mindy a smile years ago, and then again, yesterday when she really needed one. And it brought me a smile, too... it is that bittersweet smile accompanied by that dull ache, but I will be happy again.

A special surprise

On Friday, Desiree was telling met that she had to go and buy some things for Mynor for his senior pictures and prom. I told her to come and look at Hamid's things to see if there was anything he would like. We were going through some clothes and found Hamid's black suit. I told her that Mynor could borrow it but Desy was unsure as she thought it was the one Hamid wore for our wedding. I told her that it was fine. As we looked at different ties and talked about Mynor I remember seeing a piece of paper on the bed. I thought it was Desiree's so I didn't say anything.

Later that day the kids and I were getting ready to go out and I saw the piece of paper still lying there on the bed. I went over and picked it up. It was the vows that Hamid wrote for our wedding. My heart seemed to stop for a moment and then a rush of love followed by that burning pain filled me. Three and a half years ago he said these words to me:

Heather, with you by me on my side, I feel confident that i have cherished every moment that we have shared and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I promise to be faithful and trustworthy every day of the rest of our lives. I promise to love you with all that I am for all that you are. I promise to stand by you no matter what the circumstances may be or what life may bring us. I will forever hold you in my arms.

Was this another sign that I was meant to find? Do a lot of people find their wedding vows years later? I don't know, but regardless, I am grateful. Reading Hamid's last words...neither of us had any idea what life had in store for us; that we would have only a short time as husband and wife. But Hamid did stand by me so bravely. I remember the day that we found out that there was nothing else that we could do except to try this experimental surgery. We clung to each other as our hearts broke in the doctor's office. We drove home and then spent the afternoon curled up in bed together. I cried and I wasn't sure if I would ever stop, but then Hamid pulled me in, and told me it was time to stop crying, that we needed to be strong for Ariyana and the baby on the way. Before I knew it he had me laughing and somehow for a short time, we returned to our ordinary life where we smiled, laughed, and loved. Hamid promised to forever hold me in his arms...I wonder if he is in some sense; reaching across worlds and time to give me these little signs, renewing my strength and bringing me peace even if it is only for a short moment.

My birthday

I was driving home two days ago and a friend called me to invite me to dinner for my birthday. I thought how sweet it was and we made plans. But as we talked, I realized that she was watching out for me, anticipating that it may be a hard day without Hamid. I guess I hadn’t allowed myself to really think about it. When we hung up, I thought about Hamid and how much I missed his smile, his laughter. I could feel the ache rising up as I began to cry. I remembered last year. Hamid was finally home for good on hospice. We all were downstairs in the living room, mom, dad, the kids, friends from back home. Hamid had a beautiful card for me. And I thought about how this year there would be no card from him; there would only be the silence and that dull ache. I miss those carefree days of getting together to have dinner and celebrate my birthday with friends and family. It was always simple, but perfect for us.

I kept driving and I thought about life. Thirteen years I had known him and shared my joys, sorrows, fears, and dreams. I felt so safe with him and I could be myself whether it be serious or me singing or doing my special dance for him as he laughed and pulled me close. Hamid made me feel safe. I remember lying in bed here in our new home next to Hamid. I was pregnant with Ariyana, and I knew that everything was going to be alright; I knew Hamid would take care of us and that we would always be safe. And I thought to myself, how do you ever find that again? I don’t think you do. Maybe what we had was a special gift one of those “once in a lifetime” moments which I was lucky to have for so long.

I did have a nice birthday and made it through yet another “first” without Hamid. And I am ok. Friends and family made it a special day and I realized how many people are watching out for me and thinking of me. It really touches my heart as sometimes I wonder if everyone else gets caught back up in life and forgets that Hamid isn’t here; that everyday I have to face life without him. And then I listen to the phone calls, read the messages, hear the singing, and feel the hugs from my family and I know that they haven’t forgotten and that I am not alone. Thank you.