Innocent Faith

The innocent faith of a child is heart wrenching and inspirational all at once. There she was holding her phone against her ear and her sweet voice rang out, "Hi, Baba, how are you? I love you. Say hi to God." Then a few moments later after she had me talk to Baba, she said, "I love you. Watch over us. Good bye." My heart swelled and my eyes filled with tears. The innocent faith of a child. The purity of her trust, that her Baba is safe and strong in Heaven with God. I cried that day, that moment, but I was also so proud of Ariyana's love. In her own way she was expressing that she missed Hamid and wanted to talk with him, yet she seemed to know he was ok. I know Hamid somehow felt this surge of love. It is a memory that I will hang on to and find strength in as I try to uphold the simple faith of a child.

I Miss You

Yesterday, Ariyana woke up from her nap in my bed and came over to me with a book in her hand saying, "What's that, Maman?" I looked at the book, it was I miss you, a first look at death. I looked at her and I knew she wanted me to read it to her as she kept pointing to the sad puppy lying next to slippers at the foot of an empty chair. So we climbed into bed and I began to read.

Death is a natural part of this life that we know here. As I read the words the tears came. It talked about life going on...it does, but it is different and so am I. As my voice softened, Ariyiana turned to look at me and ask what was wrong. I told her that I miss Baba so much it makes me sad. She nodded and then we kept reading. It hurts to know that there will be a day when she will understand the meaning in this book and that she and Afshin will grieve their father. I know he is in a better place but he was supposed to have more time with us.

I am putting together videos that we took this past year. As I played one, there was Hamid playing his electric guitar for Ariyana who was toddling around his office back and forth from the printer to his speakers. I sat there mesmerized by the music, knowing that Hamid was so in love with life at that time. His two beautifuls, as he always said, right there with him while he played away on his guitar. I think it was Parham who said that there is a little bit of Hamid's soul in those guitars. It is so true.

Hamid I carry you in my heart. You will always be there. After Ariyana and I finished reading the book, I told her that you were in Heaven but that we always keep your memories here in our hearts. Yes, Hamid, you will always be there. I miss you and just wish that life could have been different for us. I know we will be together again but until then I will carry you here in my heart.

Messages

Today it has been two months yet it feels like an eternity. I found myself anticipating this day and watching the clock...waiting for 11:30 to come. It came and then it passed. I miss him, but I know and believe with all of my heart that he is ok and that he is strong, healthy, and has that smile that always made my heart race. So, tonight I want to talk about connections and messages.

Are there subtle connections between us in this space as we know it, and with the greater universe? Maybe it is in the briefest moment when you suddenly look at the sky and its beauty overwhelms you and you are filled with peace. Or maybe it is more obvious like when we were loading the car for the beach on Labor Day weekend. Everything was packed, Ariyana and Afshin were in, but suddenly, I thought of Hamid's boogy board and brought it along. It was invigorating to be on his board in the ocean, me a 30 something among the 12 year olds. I knew Hamid was watching, smiling, and probably even laughing. Though the pain of missing him was there, I felt a peace settle inside of me.

Are these the messages from our loved ones? Is it through these mysterious connections, connections that we are not even consciously aware of, that we are able to sense messages from our loved ones? Does God know that we need that assurance once in a while to give us strength to go on? Well, here is a big one that I have to share. Mindy is going to join in with comments since this is really her story...

Mindy's friend came to visit with her two teenagers who happened to bring along a ouijaboard. Hoping to scare the kids they lit candles in the treehouse in the woods and then they all climbed up to play. Apparently, they were talking with an old man and asking silly questions. Mindy and Meghan were sitting back watching when they asked the old man if he was speaking for himself to which he replied N O. They asked him who he was speaking for...it spelled out H A M. Mindy looked at Meghan. They asked if he had a message. Y E S. Who is the message for? It spelled H E. What is the message? T R E E. Mindy said the game is over, everyone inside. I started shaking when she told me and tears filled my eyes. Was Hamid really trying to tell me that he was ok and that he is there waiting for me? Meeting at the tree was so important - when he agreed to meet me there I knew that he believed in God. I called Mindy again last night to have her tell me the story again and then I asked her when this happened - she said, "awhile ago, it was August 9th." I couldn't believe it and as she said it she then realized the importance of that day.

I don't believe in ouija boards but maybe the timing was right and this was Hamid's way to let me know that he is ok. I can't tell you how much comfort I have in knowing that Hamid is there at the tree waiting for me. I know life isn't going to be easy without him, but this gives me a boost of strength that I really need. Hamid, if you can sense my love, know that I am alright, I love you, I miss you, I am different without you with me, but we are all ok. We will meet you at the tree.

He's not coming back

I came home tonight and played with the kids while mom fixed dinner. As we set the table, I went over and poured myself a glass of wine. A twinge of pain shot through me as I thought of Hamid. He's not here.

It was a nice evening. After I got Ariyana settled I came downstairs to give Afshin his bottle and Dad came home. He was happy to see Afshin which made me smile but then brought the bittersweet thought that Afshin doesn't have a father that will come home and scoop him up and look into those deep smiling blue eyes. Then Dad went over and kissed mom...Hamid always kissed me when he came through the door - it was the first thing no matter what. Even after Ariyana was born he always kissed me before running off after her. I won't feel that kiss ever again...only in my dreams. It struck me at that moment that Hamid was not going to come back. He is not going to walk through that door with his briefcase and cell phone. He is not going to sit down and drink that glass of wine with me. He is not going to be beside me when I go to sleep.

I was talking to some friends yesterday and we talked about how you go on and you are "ok." but everything is different. I go to work and I love my job and the students, I come home to my parents and Ariyana and Afshin who just brighten my day with their light. I laugh. I smile. But there are so many times that inside I am crying...a heaviness weighs on my heart. There just aren't words to describe how much I miss him. It's so much more than that. Then, last night I heard Eli sing on America's Got Talent. Hamid and I always watched that show and we both saw Eli sing during the try outs a few months ago. As he sang the words, I thought - some of those words speak to me..."And I'm dying inside And nobody knows it but me. Like a clown I put on a show. The pain is real even if nobody knows And I'm crying inside And nobody knows it but me. The nights are lonely, the days are so sad And I just keep thinkin' about The love that we had, And I'm missin' you And nobody knows it but me. I carry a smile when I'm broken in two, I'm tremblin' inside and nobody knows it but me. I lie awake it's a quarter past three I'm screamin' at night as if I thought You'd hear me.. my heart is callin' you...

Somone said that the pain never really goes away, you just learn to live with it and you learn to live without your him. I think it is true. The kids and I will be ok, but there will always be a place in my heart that is only for Hamid. Some days that will be a weight that will pull me down but I know other days it will be a beautiful memory that will lift me up.