One year ago

One year ago today was my husband’s funeral. My friends and family were there to support me through this day and join me in celebrating Hamid’s life. My girlfriends all slept in my bedroom. It felt so good to walk into my room and see it full of sleeping bags and pillows. But no amount of support could really settle me that morning. For some reason I wanted to look my best and be beautiful for Hamid, but of course, that meant a bad hair day and my make-up just didn’t seem right. I should have gotten up earlier to get ready…it wouldn’t have mattered. No amount of time would have made me really feel ready to say good-bye to him.

I don’t remember a lot of that morning…I remember Cheryl coming in and telling me that I looked beautiful and giving me a big hug. And the family picture. I really didn’t want to be in a family picture. The rationale was that all of the kids were finally together but I just didn’t want to be in a family picture without Hamid who had become my family. But somehow I stood there and smiled while inside my heart ached.

I can’t remember who took the kids to the church…I just know that they were alright and that I didn’t have to worry – they would be having fun and feeling loved while I said good-bye to their father again. Mom, Dad, and Brian drove me to the church – Brian was so protective. We walked in and Hamid’s family was there to meet us. Mr. Walker were so kind and supportive as they escorted me to the casket. I remember Greg gently preparing me for what I would see – Hamid was so thin and the cancer had ravaged him so much that it was hard for them to position him. When I looked at down at Hamid my heart seemed to stop. It was so hard to see him like this. I felt an anger rise within me – why couldn’t they make him look better. He was so handsome and full of life. But it wasn’t their fault, it was the cancer. I closed my eyes and said a prayer as I tightly held the letter I had written to Hamid. I can’t remember when I read it to him. Was it before the service or was it at the end, just before they closed the casket? I think that’s when I read it. I put it beside him and we took off his glasses so that I could keep them. And the casket was closed.

This morning after about an hour of feeling tired and grumpy I was wondering why I was feeling like this – I actually slept about 7 hours so I should feel good. And then I remembered what day it was. I thought about the funeral on and off throughout the day. I made a Persian dish as Hamid always cooked a Persian dinner for us on Sundays. Then tonight when I was picking up downstairs, I saw that Ariyana and Afshin had mixed a few books into their toy bins. I turned one of the books over and there it was, “I miss you: A book about death.” I thought about the coincidence and gave a half-hearted smile as I carried the books upstairs and put them with the other books in the basket in my room. I helped Ariyana and Afshin brush their teeth and then we climbed into bed. As usual, Ariyana picked out two books. She picked out the I Miss You book. And so we read it together, all lying in bed, snuggled against each other. I read and talked about Hamid. But when I came to the part about it being hard to say goodbye to someone you love I started crying. Ariyana looked at me with her big eyes and asked, “Maman, are you sad? Are you sad just a little or a lot?” Smiling, I told her that sometimes I am sad a lot. She quickly replied, “Don’t worry, I’m here.” Then she asked me if I wanted a tissue so that I could wipe my eyes. She quickly climbed out of bed and came back with a tissue. She touched my face and held my hand while Afshin layed there on my arm. I am so thankful for them – they are my two angels who give me strength every day. We talked a little and at one point Ariyana told me that I can’t go to heaven because it’s not my turn yet; I can’t leave her alone. I had told her this before when we talked about Hamid being gone. I told her that God wants me to stay here to take care of her and Afshin. It broke my heart. I kissed them both and told them that I loved them.