A special surprise

On Friday, Desiree was telling met that she had to go and buy some things for Mynor for his senior pictures and prom. I told her to come and look at Hamid's things to see if there was anything he would like. We were going through some clothes and found Hamid's black suit. I told her that Mynor could borrow it but Desy was unsure as she thought it was the one Hamid wore for our wedding. I told her that it was fine. As we looked at different ties and talked about Mynor I remember seeing a piece of paper on the bed. I thought it was Desiree's so I didn't say anything.

Later that day the kids and I were getting ready to go out and I saw the piece of paper still lying there on the bed. I went over and picked it up. It was the vows that Hamid wrote for our wedding. My heart seemed to stop for a moment and then a rush of love followed by that burning pain filled me. Three and a half years ago he said these words to me:

Heather, with you by me on my side, I feel confident that i have cherished every moment that we have shared and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I promise to be faithful and trustworthy every day of the rest of our lives. I promise to love you with all that I am for all that you are. I promise to stand by you no matter what the circumstances may be or what life may bring us. I will forever hold you in my arms.

Was this another sign that I was meant to find? Do a lot of people find their wedding vows years later? I don't know, but regardless, I am grateful. Reading Hamid's last words...neither of us had any idea what life had in store for us; that we would have only a short time as husband and wife. But Hamid did stand by me so bravely. I remember the day that we found out that there was nothing else that we could do except to try this experimental surgery. We clung to each other as our hearts broke in the doctor's office. We drove home and then spent the afternoon curled up in bed together. I cried and I wasn't sure if I would ever stop, but then Hamid pulled me in, and told me it was time to stop crying, that we needed to be strong for Ariyana and the baby on the way. Before I knew it he had me laughing and somehow for a short time, we returned to our ordinary life where we smiled, laughed, and loved. Hamid promised to forever hold me in his arms...I wonder if he is in some sense; reaching across worlds and time to give me these little signs, renewing my strength and bringing me peace even if it is only for a short moment.

My birthday

I was driving home two days ago and a friend called me to invite me to dinner for my birthday. I thought how sweet it was and we made plans. But as we talked, I realized that she was watching out for me, anticipating that it may be a hard day without Hamid. I guess I hadn’t allowed myself to really think about it. When we hung up, I thought about Hamid and how much I missed his smile, his laughter. I could feel the ache rising up as I began to cry. I remembered last year. Hamid was finally home for good on hospice. We all were downstairs in the living room, mom, dad, the kids, friends from back home. Hamid had a beautiful card for me. And I thought about how this year there would be no card from him; there would only be the silence and that dull ache. I miss those carefree days of getting together to have dinner and celebrate my birthday with friends and family. It was always simple, but perfect for us.

I kept driving and I thought about life. Thirteen years I had known him and shared my joys, sorrows, fears, and dreams. I felt so safe with him and I could be myself whether it be serious or me singing or doing my special dance for him as he laughed and pulled me close. Hamid made me feel safe. I remember lying in bed here in our new home next to Hamid. I was pregnant with Ariyana, and I knew that everything was going to be alright; I knew Hamid would take care of us and that we would always be safe. And I thought to myself, how do you ever find that again? I don’t think you do. Maybe what we had was a special gift one of those “once in a lifetime” moments which I was lucky to have for so long.

I did have a nice birthday and made it through yet another “first” without Hamid. And I am ok. Friends and family made it a special day and I realized how many people are watching out for me and thinking of me. It really touches my heart as sometimes I wonder if everyone else gets caught back up in life and forgets that Hamid isn’t here; that everyday I have to face life without him. And then I listen to the phone calls, read the messages, hear the singing, and feel the hugs from my family and I know that they haven’t forgotten and that I am not alone. Thank you.