The Holidays

There is so much to write yet it is hard to know where to begin. Well, I made it through my first Christmas without Hamid here. For some reason, the 24th was actually the hardest day. It may have been the anticipation of the Christmas Eve service, setting out gifts, and then the next day. I felt a heavy weight on me all day. I think of Hamid all of the time from when I wake up until I go to sleep, but this day it was the aching and sense of emptiness that I had to get through.

And I did. I got through it. Actually, church was quite amusing with the band that had singers that make my mom look like a star! And then Ariyana went up to the alter and stuck some of the fake grapes in her mouth so I had to run up and get her. Now, that I think about it, when I was at church was the first time that day that I actually felt better. Funny how that works.

It was so different that morning being there opening gifts with the kids. I sat there thinking, there isn't a gift under the tree for me from Hamid. I know it's not about the gifts - I know that more than ever now, but it was that harsh reality that there will never be one again. Once again, I have the guilt battle. It is a reminder of how we take things for granted when we are with our with our loved one. I think back over our Christmas' together, the fun, the gifts. Some people don't ever have that. The other day as I went through the checkout at the grocery store I really looked at the older woman who was scanning my groceries. She is always so friendly. I noticed that she wasn't wearing a wedding ring. I wonder if she was ever married? Is she a widow like me? Is she lonely? Is she happy? As I pushed my cart out, even with a heavy heart I thanked God that I was going home to my family.

Last night I started putting Hamid's things together for Afshin's Faith Chest. I read the tributes from Chris, Parham, and Mohammad. They were beautiful. As I read each one, I cried knowing the great love that I lost. Yet, I was also proud and felt a sense of hope wash over me. I know that Ariyana and Afshin will be deeply touched by their words and I am so thankful that Hamid followed me out of that hospital 13 years ago and that he chose me to walk beside him. I know he is watching over us and that "knowing" gives me strength...but it is still hard. The New Year is next. Last year, I remember lying across from Hamid in his hospital room. I cried knowing that the incoming year was going to bring me joy and sorrow with the birth of our son and the death of my husband. What will this year bring? I don't know, but what ever it is, I know that God will be there and will guide me and carry me when I need Him.

5 Months

It is 5 months today that Hamid passed. It isn't any easier. Each day is hard and I wish I could wake up and he would be here beside me pulling me close. I try to hang on to the beautiful gifts that I have been given to know that he is alright and that we are still connected, but the pain of him not being here physically is always there.

I have been wanting to write for several days now as it was a year ago on the 6th that Hamid had his surgery, but with me and the kids being sick I find that I am too tired by the time everyone is settled. So, today as I drove to work I was thinking about this and prayed that God would continue to give me strength and send me something to lift me up and help me to get through the day without a heavy heart. It was just 1 1/2 hrs later when I was in a meeting with Liane and Liz (a current student). I thought we were meeting because she was struggling in a class, but then suddenly she gave me a large gift wrapped with a bright red bow. I tore the paper and there we were, me and Hamid smiling brightly - you could almost feel the energy coming from the canvas. It was beautiful. I smiled as I remembered that night. Hamid had cooked a huge Persian dinner for our friends from Cincinnati and had even specially prepared a fish that their nephew had caught. It was a great night full of love, laughter, good food, and friendship. It was just what I had prayed for.

So, I will continue praying and remembering all of the great times we had together.